i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
