And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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