Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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