I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
