I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
