I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
