Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
