I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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