i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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