my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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