don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
