I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
