Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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