I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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