the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
