Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
