mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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