I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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