So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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