I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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