I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
