I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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