I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
love makes seman taste better
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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