My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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