I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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