So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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