dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
