I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone signed my nipple.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
