Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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