I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
