My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we're making bets on your personal life
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
