Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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