when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
