Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
