Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
