All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
