I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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