She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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