im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
