i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
