I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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