Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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