someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
