That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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