Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
