A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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