...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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