I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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