Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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