Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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