if you like me you must not know who I am
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I did not marry a roomba.
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