Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
