Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
