I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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