I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
