Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
