I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize