I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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